Matthew Moulton (@Onideus)

*takes a long weedy toke at this shit* Of PTSD? You know, I really don't get that... like, are you sure you're not just a psychopath? Cause I think most people who claim PTSD are just opportunists. Why do I think that? Well, as I've talked about before, I got raped as a toddler with a spinal tap sans any anesthesia. It wound up giving me SEVERE PTSD. What do I mean by that? Well, think about it... for an adult, when they have PTSD they're just reliving bad memories... do you know what it creates in children? Your literal irrational night terrors become REAL! You experience the most inhuman, terrifying monsters imaginable... except... they're not simply "in your head". You get this sense of twisted emotional memory projected into active consciousness... but in the mind of a child, that's kinda just drunken perception mixed with imagination. Meaning you relive the pain and trauma of the experience, but in random horrifying flashbacks of ultra-surrealistic nightmares that never happened! To say it's terrifying wouldn't do it justice. It creates something beyond fear. Those moments when you're so afraid your body spasms between wanting to run and wanting to hide, creating seizure like effects. The thing is tho... eventually, well if you're a kid... you just give in. You just... give up. And you let the fear take you... even though you know it can't kill you... it can only make you feel more terrified. Infinite fear. Except... it turns out... there's actually a biological limit to how much fear you can actually endure before your brain will spasm with a chemical cocktail of mostly adrenaline and other feel good fun! I learned how to get high off of it, as a kid. I would purposefully put myself into situation that would normally terrify me out of my mind... like walking into the garage at night. I got the idea because... the cats were in the garage, in the dark, all night... and they were happy. At first I would "let them out". Because I thought they must be terrified like me... so I'd let them out into the house! "Bandit" would drink the toilet water and slept on my feet. "Bandit" was not afraid of anything... not even dogs... and he was declawed! Even without claws he was effectively lethal to any other animal on earth! He would chase dogs! BIG dogs! D: "Bandit" helped me to face my irrational terrifying fears. Also helped me to remember to put the toilet seat down. Also kept my feet warm. He was the best cat! In facing my fears, or rather succumbing to fear, not trying to fight it or run away from it, but just... letting it flow freely, as if it were energy... I got REALLY high! It's possible the continual adrenaline spikes increased my cognitive awareness which is why I think so differently. You can break it tho! When I got older I would abuse my hypnagogic dream states to the point where I largely stopped being afraid of anything. It's like I severely dulled out my fear response, but it gave me magic brain powers. Those were the best tho, those dreams where it feels like you're falling to your death... not falling mind you... that's where people mistake the experience, because it's NOT the sensation of falling, it's the sensation of expecting an abrupt, painful end state to your sense of self. To put it simply... it's the fear of losing yourself to nothing. Yeah I have bad news... that fear is irrational... reality isn't kind enough to actually afford you an end state... but God was kind enough to give you the delusion of one. Don't ask how horrifying your endless existence would be otherwise. It takes a lifetime to learn how to deal with living forever... and if you fuck it up, well... you'll flunk your way to hell in a hurry! Sustainable sentience isn't hard to figure out and PTSD is only a result of poor convictions. If you take the bother to think shit through using your God given reasoned autonomy, then you can learn to accept fear... in doing so you avoid both flight and fight and it'll throw off anything natural. Meaning, you can reason like God that way! Cause his effective image is in all of us. That mental image has no sense of fear! Fear really is the mind killer. It's one of the worst drugs imaginable! If you try to fight against it, or run from it all the time... you will become the stupidest idiot alive! You don't need to be afraid of anything. There's no point to it. Death is retroactively removable. Even if there is no God... there is God. It's immutable. The only question is... what God are you building towards? I picked the version with the best foundational reasoning. In letting Jesus carry me, I turned my PTSD into a literary weapon of infinite ideological creation! So why can't this idiot? I mean I'm just some literal fuckin nobody and even I figured it out. Guess God is harder to find for some. Guess it depends on how addictive their distractions from fear are. Just accept it... and give it to Jesus! It's not complicated.