Carissa Conti (@Carissa_Conti)

Part 4 of 4 On the one hand I could clearly see that he enjoyed the victimization aspect of it all and trying to convince himself that “NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND MY PLIGHT! I’M ALL ALONE AND PERSECUTED! JUST LEAVE ME TO MY WHISKEY AND WOES!!” no matter how much I showed him I *could* understand. (Obviously he *needs* that role.) But on the other hand I could no longer continue trying to argue with him that there *wasn’t* an intelligent, but nefarious force at work in his reality that’s truly fucking with him. (And mine too.) And that this reality *isn’t* just all “interactive consciousness,” which was the main angle I was going for. Some of it is, sure. But that ain’t the whole story. O.o I tried with everything I had to provide the “epiphany” he said he was hoping for but realized I was at a total loss. “I just….I got nothin’.” I just became befuddled in a way that’s never happened before. Ran into a wall. But what he was describing really does tie back into the whole “evil A.I. overseer” thing that more and more people are becoming aware of and talking about. I had to nicely part ways after he yelled at me to “WAKE THE FUCK UP!” randomly in one drunken email for no reason. When he was sober he regretted saying that, as I knew he would. But enough was enough. Had to part ways, but on nice terms, and I sincerely wished him the best and still keep thinking about him from time to time. Definitely no ill will. Just feel sad about it. He’s very smart, and has so much potential, so it’s a true shame. There was one more email he sent to his list a few weeks later, noting that he was still living in a hotel, and almost out of cash by this point. So nothing’s changed. The exchange made me reexamine the things that have happened to me though, all that shit I’ve compartmentalized and shoved aside for sanity’s sake. Which leads to a subject I’ve long since wanted to address – how “seeing behind the curtain” does permanently ruin you to some extent. I may not have taken it to the level that A___ has (though I did actually come close to throwing it all away and going up to San Francisco to live out of my car in ’98, even before officially “waking up.” I already knew that this place was a total joke due to numerous other life events including things involving my so-called “parents,” and had been living chaotically off and on as a result for the previous three years as a result. Being that A___'s now practically homeless in SF means there’s another parallel.) But yeah, it’s ruined me, as I noted to him. So many things I haven’t done or pursued that I would have otherwise, because I don’t trust anything about this place. It’s created a morose apathy. Yet also feeling conflicted at the same time. So it was odd trying to give somebody else a reason to step back from the ledge and not give up when I myself gave up in a lot of ways a long time ago. Just not as dramatically as he’s currently doing. O.o Weird mirror situation…..