Charles Synyard (@CharlesSynyard)

3/4 “…Mr. Levine held up his hand for silence. “‘In The Wizard of Oz skit,’ he went on, ‘Shelly Bramlett will be Dorothy, and the witches will be played by Beth and Laura. Beth will be the bad witch, and Laura will play the good witch. “Beth was stunned. Mr. Levine went right on talking about the rest of the casting, but she didn’t hear any of it. She was going to be the bad witch—which was ugly and mean. By itself, that was okay because the bad witch was definitely the better part. But why did Laura have to get the part of the good witch? The beautiful one. It had never occurred to Beth that there would be two kinds of witches, beautiful and ugly. Still, it wouldn’t have mattered if the beautiful witch had been anyone but Laura. “She stole a glance at Laura, who sat in her seat with a smug little smile playing on her lips. Beautiful Laura, who hadn’t even auditioned very well. Beth pictured Laura in her costume, a gorgeous, long, sparkling gown. She’d probably put her hand on her hip and glide across the stage looking glamorous, and everyone would have their eyes on her. “There had to be a reason why she got one of the best parts in the show. Was it because Laura had a great body? She was tall and slender and very developed. That must be it, Beth thought. That developed chest of hers. “Beth glanced down at her own chest and groaned inwardly. She was so thin, there was practically nothing there. Not that it mattered… most of the time. But didn’t famous actresses always have great shapes? “She glanced at Laura again, this time through narrowed eyes. Maybe being in ‘The Witches’ Caldron’ wasn’t going to be so wonderful, after all.” (25-26) Does appearance trump talent at Wakeman “Wacko” Junior High? The Witches of Wakeman, the October 1990 twentieth serial in the Fabulous Five series, by Betsy Haynes, returns to the signal female concern that got the the girls fired up in the very first book of the first series, The Against Taffy Sinclair Club: anxiety about bust development! Since, early bloomer Taffy is largely absent and out of their social circle to be an active rival, and her figure isn’t mentioned, while “boy crazy” Fabulous Five member Melanie Edwards has developed some herself. For drama queen Beth Barry, this time’s lead though, not much has changed. Usually that isn’t a problem… but with the beautiful Laura McCall, leader of the Fantastic Foursome, Wacko’s rival seventh grade girls’ clique, smugly grinning as if she’s bested Beth, it is! Beth knows, she should be glad to be cast in the role that demands the most creativity and expression. “But it hurt to think that looks were so important. That someone such as Laura could give such a lousy audition and still end up a star. And why, she wondered, does it have to be Laura McCall who’s so pretty and has such a great body? And furthermore, why am I so flat-chested? It isn’t fair.” (27-28) Some girls are simply blessed with more in that department, others not. For women, and for men too, acceptance that you were made a certain way, others differently, and you should not be jealous of, or gloat over others, can be a lifelong process. The casting decision makes Beth more self-conscious. “When Mr. Levine had announced their casting, she had suddenly felt as if everyone was stealing glances at her, examining her, and finally agreeing with him that Beth should, indeed, play the ugly witch. Beth felt deflated. She had never been concerned with things like that before. Should I have been? she wondered. “Beth raised herself up on her elbows and gazed critically at her reflection in the mirror on the opposite wall. No cleavage. None at all. Was that really what had made the difference? “Beth had seen pictures of beautiful women posing the way she was lying in movie magazines, and they looked beautiful and sexy. She had always dreamed that someday she would look just like them, and when she became a famous actress, she might just pose like this for glamorous pictures, too.” (28) Adjusting the ambitions and expectations of youth to how life, and you yourself, really turn out to be as you grow into adulthood? That can be another lifelong process. But does any of this matter to anyone else, as much as it does to Beth? Are others really looking and nodding in agreement, she’s too ugly to be the good witch? Soon Beth is seeing Glinda in the face her little sister Alicia painted on a pumpkin (48). Then she goes to her older sister Brittany—“not as flat as their mother, but she was not exactly voluptuous, either” (48)—for moral support, and doesn’t find it. “‘Brittany,’ Beth began, ‘you don’t think that having a great body is all that important, do you?’ “Brittany shrugged. ‘Well, it helps.’ Then she looked at Beth thoughtfully and added flippantly, ‘Hey, don’t worry that you’re so flat-chested. Some girls have it and some don’t. It’s no big deal—unless, of course, you want to enter the Miss America pageant.’ “Beth bristled, and her face grew hot and prickly. She had forgotten all about the Miss America pageant. And the Miss World pageant. And the Miss Universe pageant. Why was everybody so hung up on women’s bodies? It didn’t make any sense at all.”(49) Miss Universe, lol. A few years later, Beth could even have fit in a swipe at Donald Trump. It actually does make sense caring about feminine beauty, as we’ll see in a moment. Even when Beth’s friends largely agree with her, she is inconsolable. “‘But why does a woman’s body have to be so perfect? Beth cried out suddenly. ‘Can’t people appreciate a woman for her musical ability or her acting talent or her dancing or gymnastic abilities? Or even how nice she is? Why does everyone care about what her stupid bust measurement is!’ “Jana and Katie looked shocked at her outburst. Beth turned on her heel and stalked off toward the school. ‘Hey, I agree with you’ she heard Katie call after her. “Beth kept walking. She didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. She was suddenly sick of talking about Miss America, sick of being the ugly witch, sick of being flat, flat, flat!” (51) Hilarious and juicy stuff. Although the intended audience is completely different, much of what happens in these books could have been lifted from Love Live! So, why is everyone so obsessed with beauty? A definitive answer is missing from the text. If Beth asked me, I would recommend she attend a show where cattle are rated. Different as they are, they are ranked on figure, too. God must have made the most excellent species mammals for a reason. As for why it’s more about how women look than men, we got a hint in the very last serial, The Boys-Only Club. It came up in the plot that it’s almost always the boys who ask the girls out, not the other way around. Traditionally, the onus is on them to proposition the girl: her part is more up or down, accept or reject. Women are actually more hypergamous—much more selective about which guys they find acceptable—yet it is the men who are always more keen on ranking the girls about them, and the expectation that they ask them out, I expect, is why. Beth’s monomania about her appearance gets the best of her for some time, and strains her relationships with her boyfriend Keith Masterson, whom she fears is drawn to Laura (see next post), and with her best friend Jana Morgan, who tries to reason with her on a visit to her house. “‘I’m sorry you’re feeling bad about this, but you’re wrong about why you got the bad witch part. And you’re just as wrong about Keith!’ “‘If you were really on my side,’ Beth said, her voice rising, ‘you’d help me figure out how to handle these problems—not just tell me the problems don’t exist. “‘The only place the problems exist,’ Jana said, softening her voice, ‘is in your head.’” (61) One important piece of data is missing, however: Beth never asks Mr. Levine why he cast Laura as the good witch, and Beth as the bad witch. She easily could have. The reasoning seems evident enough though. He had to cast each girl as a witch, since only three tried out; the fourth dropped out due to fear of the Macbeth curse (29). Beth gave a fantastic audition, and was a cinch to cast as the bad witch. The good witch is an iconic character from the Wizard of Oz movie; though Laura gave a flat audition, she is a dead ringer for Glinda. We aren’t told how well Dekeisha Adams auditioned, but however equal opportunity a production this is, casting the series’s token Black girl as the fair-haired good witch would be conspicuous enough to be distracting, so she is a better fit for the (also bad) witch in Snow White. And do you know who played Snow White? Lisa Snow (25)! Even without any assurance that she wasn’t given the part out of ugliness, Beth grows more confident as she decides to focus on showing off that talent of hers. At first, she recoils, aghast, when Molly McHugh gives her a latex wart to be part of her costume. The way these books go, you’d think Beth was a Straight F student, as typically, “Miss Dickinson began the class, but Beth didn’t hear a word she was saying. She was thinking about the wart,” (65). So many times, what the Fabulous Five learn in class never even goes in one ear, as their heads are stuffed full of boyfriend issues and girl problems. But at least Beth has an epiphany. “It was pretty funny, now that she thought about it. And of course, all old-hag witches had creepy, disgusting warts on their faces, just as Molly had said. “She thought about the wart some more. Actually, she loved wearing crazy, off-the-wall things, the more bizarre the better. And it really was the perfect addition to her costume. She closed her eyes, imagining the scene. When she wore the wart on her chin—no, how about the end of her nose?—and she said her lines in the gravelly voice with the cackling laugh that she had been practicing, the audience would go wild. Then when she melted and went swirling onto the floor… But what about Laura? asked a little voice in her mind. Won't everyone be looking at her? Her and her terrific figure? ”Beth narrowed her eyes and visualized the scene again. Not if I put everything I’ve got into playing my part, Beth thought defiantly. And not if I show the audience what a great actress I am. I’ll wow them. I’ll make them look at me instead of Laura. I know I will. “Beth sat back in her seat. She was suddenly feeling better than she’d felt in days. It’s going to be fun, she told herself, and giggled silently. When I’m the ugly witch, I won’t need Laura’s figure. I’ll have my wart!” (65-66) That’s the spirit! Laura has beauty… but has she anything else? Maybe that is why the fixation with womanly beauty offends women: it can give the impression that the rankers of chicks think women have nothing else. When they really don’t, it can be kind of sad. Now that we’ve dealt with Beth and her bust, closing up the set will be Beth and her boyfriend! Is Keith into Laura? Jana didn’t think so, but I have my own ideas. And how does that touch on his feelings for Beth? Wait and see. #BetsyHaynes #TheWitchesOfWakeman #FabulousFive #breasts #bust #figure #talent #appearance #acting #theater #childrensliterature #childrensbooks #literature #books