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Welp. The technician confirmed my immediate thought when I saw the router was just sitting idle after the storms. It's borked. After a second, even more tedious call with the ISP, I have to wait for my replacement router to arrive, which'll be next week sometime. At least they're not charging me for the thing. Plenty to do offline in the meantime, and the Bluetooth tether is fine (besides how it randomly turns itself off) when needed.

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